Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Life

Life goes by really, really fast. It's already really close to spring break. I can't even believe it. It seems like only yesterday I was starting college, though it also feels like I've been here my whole life. It's like time has more than one dimension, sometimes feeling fast, slow, long, and contorted. I don't even know how to describe it. Weeks and months go by really, really fast, but days, minutes, and years seem to take forever, or the right amount of time. I don't even know what the right amount of time is, but I feel like no matter what, I'll never have enough. And it's just when you realize life is going by way too fast that you wonder if you're spending your time the right way. Tonight, for example, I played eucre are around 4:00-4:45, and then I read some Shakespeare for an hour before going to dinner with my roommates. After an hour at dinner, we all went to learn how to waltz, which was pretty amazing, and then I went to practice. I spent two hours practicing, with an hour break in between to read Shakespeare and socialize with Tyler and Kennan. Did I spend my evening correctly? I had a PZG meeting I could've gone to, but I didn't, because I went swing dancing instead. I could've gone to the book club meeting, but I didn't do that either. I could've gone uptown with Lara to eat at Fiesta Chara or sat in my room and read a book. So was practicing the right thing to do? It's not like I'm going to play flute once I'm out of college, but I feel like right now it's what I need. Something I can see improvement on. It's hard to tell if I'm improving with anything else, but I know for sure that I'm improving on my playing. That doesn't mean I want to be a music major, it just means that's my escape right now. Not that I have anything I need to escape to. Life is beautiful these days. I do have a lot of homework, but it's all manageable. I have stressful classes, mostly Sightsinging and Dictation and then Shakespeare, in that order of stress. Otherwise, classes are going pretty well. I really, really like having only three classes on M-W, two on Friday. Plus they're pretty basic and easy classes, not causing any stress, which helps. Steel Band is also amazing. I'm getting really good at the lead. I can play without the notes written on the instrument, now, which pleases me greatly. I'm really, really thinking of doing steel band every semester. But then that adds yet another unused credit to my schedule, making it even harder to graduate with two majors and a minor as well as all these extra classes. I don't even want to think of what I'm actually going to do for a living. I like my blissful world of no stress.

I think the biggest reason why college is like this for me is because of Luke Williams. He's my absolute best friend. He's not always reliable, he's not always nice, and he's sometimes annoyingly good at everything, but still I really really like (hate!) him. I love how carefree he is, and I feel like that's reflected onto me, and that has probably lowered any stress level I may have in college by a huge percentage. One thing that annoys me is how much people think I'm dating him or in love with him. I can understand where they're coming from, but what I feel for Luke is nothing like what I feel for Jay. I can't say what I feel for Luke is a sibling relationship, but it's definitely closer than friendship, but not in love with kind of feeling. But whatever our relationship is, I've never had one like this before, and I really would like to keep it this way for forever. I always hear about friends getting into fights, and I've had fights with a lot of my friends, but Luke and I never have anything more than fist fights or tickle fights. I think God gave me Luke for a reason. I've already learned so many lessons from him in this short time we've had together.

I think the only thing I dislike about college is Jay not being here. I thought I'd be okay with it, because I had gone through a year of high school without him, but college is a lot harder in some ways and in some ways easier. Maybe because I see a lot of other people in relationships or hooking up, and I feel so alone. At the party on Saturday it seemed like everyone had paired up with someone or was making out with someone, and like, I would never wanna just have a one night stand or anything, but I felt so out of place because I had a boyfriend and so I couldn't really do anything. I mean, I really like going to parties, because I love to just watch people get drunk (no I'm not evil, I just find it intriguing), but sometimes I just feel like an outsider. And like, sometimes that's not a bad thing. I think I can see more than people sometimes, though I also feel like I'm way too simple a person, so I probably only end up seeing what everyone else sees.

Today I realized how innocent I still am. And how I'm really not ready to be 18 yet. I know I've been 18 for five months now, but I still feel like it's a lie. My brain acts like a 12 year old, scared of the world and of new things. People say I'm so mature for my age, but I just cannot see how that is. I cannot see beyond my own wants and needs, I don't know anything about life or hardships, and I definitely cannot get past my fears to save my life. I'm also still little-kid annoying, I look like I'm 14, and just everything else. I feel like a 12 year old stuck in an 18 year old body. Maybe that's why I still see the world as beautiful, despite its way too numerous imperfections. My friend Jamie, though not a great example, has been through everything someone could go through. Heart break, disabled parents, money problems, self confident issues, and everything. She constantly points out that my life isn't difficult. And it isn't. So why do I complain about it? I have no idea. I love life, I really, really do. I just immaturely always find something to complain about. I just wish I wouldn't complain so much, because I really have no reason to.

This is a really long post that is really just saying "Life is great :D".

1 comment:

Tim said...

Oh my goodness, you also know someone named Kennan. I'm probably going to be living with a Kennan next fall. That's not a very common name.

And I agree, being the only sober person at parties is quite fun sometimes.

I, too, have trouble seeing beyond myself at times, although I really am trying to get better at that.

And I believe we (as social beings) complain because everyone around us does and we'd feel left out if we didn't. Even if your complaints are trivial in comparison to others'.