Monday, December 15, 2008

I don't know what I want.

So I came into college wanting to be a creative writing major with a music comp minor. We've been over this in my blog many times. My music classes have changed my world upside down. Most importantly, piano lessons have changed my world upside down. I really want to be a music major. I mean, I still love to write, but if I look onto some of the 300 level classes for both of my options- either music or english- I see crazy lit classes where I have to read 1800 brit lit or analyze Shakespeare or something versus the history of music and methods classes and how to compose music. I love writing, but I don't want to read old books and analyze them. I know it would help my writing, but when I compare that to listening to music and getting graded on it, I would much rather do that. My biggest problem is that I didn't plan on wanting to be a music major, and so my abilities on the flute are not very good. So obviously performance is out of the question, but I could be a music ed major, which everyone is encouraging me to pursue, or I could get a BA in music with a concentration in music comp, history, or theory. All of that sounds fun. My biggest problem is learning how to play the flute. I mean, I've been playing it for 9 years and I play at a middle school level. Why? Because I never cared. I've never had lessons. I don't even really want to play flute. I just want to be in all of the music classes. I want to learn theory, I want to learn history, I want to learn how to compose. I want to do it all. I would even do piano as my main instrument if I didn't just start it this semester, but obviously I just started it. And I still love writing. And English and everything about it. I also want to be a teacher. I really really want to be a teacher. I would love to teach music to little children, or English to college students. But what I really want is to write musicals, and that takes both music and English. Which means I could do both and it benefit me in multiple ways, but like I said, I hadn't planned on this, and so I don't have the skills it takes to even become a music major, let alone continue into the program. I don't know what to do.

Everyone wants me to be a music major. They all know I want to be one, and so I understand where they're coming from. I just don't know. I mean, I think I've already succumb to the fact that I'm never going to have any money, so that isn't a problem. I want to write too much. I don't want to have some real paying job that pays me whether I work well or not. I want a job that no matter how well I work, I only get paid if the other people around me aren't working the same. I know that sounds crazy. "Why would you do that if you could get paid no matter what?" Because what I want to do is that kind of job. I want to write musicals, I want to write stories, I want to compose songs. The only job I'm considering doing that is a constant pay is teaching. And if it only paid by how well I did, I'd still do it.

I don't know what to do.

1 comment:

Kelly Zimba said...

ahh I know how you feel...I am considering dropping music ed and just doing performance, so I know how stressful it can be to make a decision like that. Did you talk to your advisor? He/she might be able to give you some good insight. And as far as getting better at the flute...I might be able to help you with that! Just let me know =)