Stupidness

Moria and I had a fight a couple nights ago. It was over friendship, as usual. I'm not going to go into what was said in the conversation except that she is *mad* that Laurel is my best friend and that she is not. Now, she is coming from a completely blind view that everyone can be each other's best friends. That it just happens. But it doesn't. It really doesn't. You need a specialness between you. Laurel and I became friends through creative writing- something we had in common, as well as musical that year. We were just that- friends. Just like Moria and I were. But then my best friend, Kayla, broke it off with me for her religion and I was left alone. But I don't just make somebody my best friend. There has to be a reason, something special. And Laurel was it.

When I was hurt, she was there to help me. She had faith in me and she believed in me. She didn't beg to be my best friend, nor was she jealous that she wasn't first to begin with. She let the friendship grow into whatever it was meant to be. That's what I like, a natural process of friendship. Forcing a relationship is stupid. I didn't go out with Jay until it felt absolutely right. I didn't tell him I liked him until my liking-ness showed itself through my actions, and only then after he asked me what was going on did I tell him about my feelings. I'm sorry I'm not like everybody who just keeps adding best friend after best friend, but someone has to mean enough to me for something like that to happen. Not that I wouldn't die for all of my friends right now, but that there is no way I could ever make everyone as close to me as Laurel is.

There's just something different about our bond. Maybe it's that we like a lot of the same things- musicals, yearbook, colleges, writing. Or maybe it's how different we are in looks and in actions. Maybe we're meant to be best friends through the fate of the world. That's just the way it happens. Fate. God's given way. There's nothing I can do to control and nothing nobody else can do to control it.

Not that I'd want to even if I had the power. I believe my life is laid out for me, and that I will have a good life with good friends,a great husband, lovely kids, and amazing job. God's watching out for me. I may not have the best life, and I may never have a financially stable life, but that isn't important. What's important is that I've got people around me to make life worth it. I'm sorry if not everyone I meet can be my best friend. I'm sorry that I have a limit to people that touch me in my heart with more than just friendship. The only people that have ever been close to me enough to be my best friends are Kayla, Jessica, Melissa, Liz, Laurel, Jay, and Craig. In order of acceptance.

I'm sorry to everyone else. You're still one of my favorites, even if you're not my bestest. I love everyone, but some people just help me get through life more than others. Libby and Matt and Blair and Jane and everyone else. We're all really close. And I would never want to hurt that friendship. Maybe I'm just not capable of having more than a couple best friends at a time. I'm not the best person in the world for this, and I know that, and I'm really sorry.